It isn’t the burdens of today that drive men mad. It is the regrets of yesterday and the fear of tomorrow. Regret and fear are twin thieves that rob us of today.
–Robert Hastings
No offense to Hastings, but he left out the burdens of the past - ones you don’t so much regret, but that cause grief and - even worse - shame. It’s this latter beast that I want to touch briefly upon today.
By providence, I recently found the website of Brené Brown, a professor of Social Work at University of Houston who’s done some fabulous research on shame. I found her website through another one I enjoy immensely, Andrea of Superhero Journal/Designs. (Incidentally, Andrea’s Superhero necklaces are fabulous Christmas gifts and currently she’s running a special for $20 off. I love my own Superhero necklace and wear it on special occasions when I need a bit of supernatural belief in myself. My superhero necklace has served me well - events like my master’s thesis defense!) Both ladies are wonderful photographers with a marvelous, honest lease on life.
Brené’s book, Women & Shame: Reaching Out, Speaking Truths and Building Connection
You can NOT shame or belittle people into changing their behaviors.
She goes on to describe “shame as a tool [used] to change others and protect themselves.” In my experience, it’s true.
Of course, both sides of this proposition suffer - those trying to change others, and the person meant to own the shame. Both will drive a good person mad. Bonkers mad. Bat shit crazy, even. Add regret and fear, both so closely related, and you’ve got a powerful cocktail of personal disaster.
What’s worse that living with this noxious mixture in your mind on a day-to-day basis? Living with it alone, behind closed doors, keeping up elaborate appearances that all is well and that the burdens shame, regret, and fear are not driving a person to the brink.
And, if this burden should afflict you, overcoming the shame albatross will be the most liberating experience you’ll have. NOTHING will compare.
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